đ BREAKING: NFL general manager Roger Goodell has imposed the highest fine in NFL history on referee Ron Torbert for major mistakes during the SUPER BOWL game between the Chiefs vs. Eagles
In a move thatâs shocking only in the sense that it didnât happen sooner, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reportedly dropped the hammer on referee Ron Torbert. Torbert, you might recall, was the, shall we say, central figure in the recent Super Bowl game between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles. And by âcentral figure,â we mean âthe guy whose questionable calls had everyone questioning if theyâd accidentally wandered into a really elaborate improv show.â
Sources (aka, some intern who overheard Goodell yelling at a potted plant) say that Torbertâs fine is so astronomical, it could probably fund a small nationâs entire referee training program for the next century. Weâre talking a sum so large, itâs rumored Goodell had to personally raid the NFLâs emergency stash of deflated footballs to cover the check.
The exact amount remains undisclosed, but experts (aka, that one guy on Twitter who claims to be an âNFL insiderâ) speculate itâs enough to buy, at minimum, a fleet of those little motorized carts referees use to get around the field. Or maybe a lifetime supply of those tiny little flags they seem to throw at random.
âWe take the integrity of the game very seriously,â Goodell reportedly mumbled while polishing his Super Bowl ring (just kidding⌠probably). âAnd while we appreciate Mr. TorbertâsâŚÂ unique interpretation of the rulebook, we felt that a significant financial penalty was in order. Perhaps this will encourage him to consult, you know, the actual rulebook before officiating another game.â
Torbert, meanwhile, has reportedly gone into hiding. Rumors abound that heâs taken a vow of silence, joined a monastery, or possibly just moved to a remote island with no access to ESPN. His agent (who is probably also hiding) could not be reached for comment.
The fine, while hefty, probably wonât bring back those missed calls. But it does send a message: Mess with the Super Bowl, and you mess with the NFLâs bottom line. And that, my friends, is a penalty even a high-powered agent canât negotiate. Now, if youâll excuse me, Iâm going to go check my couch cushions. Maybe I can find enough change to pay for a single replay review.
