STOP THE PRESSES AND GRAB YOURSELVES SOMETHING TO CALM YOUR NERVES, MY PEOPLE! THIS NEWS IS AN ATOMIC BOMB THAT JUST DROPPED ON LATIN AMERICA!
EXPLOSIVE HEADLINE: THE WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN! THE SUPREME COURT GIVES THE DICTATOR A CLEAN SLATE: MADURO IS CLEARED OF ALL CHARGES IN A JUDICIAL SHOCKER THAT HAS THE CONTINENT SPITTING FIRE! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?!
IMPACTFUL SUBTITLE: We all saw that cursed notification on our phones that left us wide-eyed and speechless: “Breaking news, Supreme Court frees Maduro…See more.” Our hearts stopped. Is this an early April Fool’s joke? A massive hack? NO, FOLKS! Reality is stranger than the wildest fiction. The “See more” that went viral hides the biggest judicial travesty of the century. Here we tell you the unvarnished truth, without censorship, of how justice bowed down to power in a masterful move that no one saw coming!
MEXICO CITY / CARACAS – Oh my goodness! My dear readers, if yesterday you felt like gravity was playing tricks on you and your blood pressure shot through the roof when you read that viral headline, you’re not alone. It was a collective “No way!” that echoed from the Rio Grande to Tierra del Fuego.
There it was, that image with red letters proclaiming “BREAKING NEWS” and the smiling face of Nicolás Maduro, as if he had just won the lottery (and in a way, he did). And below, the incomplete phrase that had us all cursing: “Breaking news, Supreme Court frees Maduro… See more.”
Freed from what? The guy’s still holed up in Miraflores! Did they free him from stress? From his diet? The confusion was total, folks!
But your humble servant, El Tundemáquinas Ramírez, risking his liver and his sanity, clicked on that “See more” button. And what we found, my friends, is a treacherous stab in the back to the hopes of millions of Venezuelans and a slap in the face to international justice.
Get ready, sit down, and have a cup of chamomile tea, because what you’re about to read will make your blood boil.
THE JUDGES’ EARLY MORNING SURPRISE: HOW MUCH DID THE RULING COST?
It turns out that clicking “See more” leads us to the most incredible news of the year: “THE SUPREME COURT OF VENEZUELA (the TSJ, the one we all know is biased), IN AN EXTRAORDINARY AND SURPRISE SESSION IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, ISSUED A HISTORIC RULING THAT ANNULS ALL ACCUSATIONS, ARREST WARRANTS, AND PENDING PROCEEDINGS AGAINST NICOLÁS MADURO MOROS, DECLARING HIM ‘FREE OF ANY GUILT’ AND A VICTIM OF ‘IMPERIALIST POLITICAL PERSECUTION’.”
BAM! Take that, bearded one! Just like that, in black and white.
Venezuela’s highest court, which everyone knows dances to the regime’s tune, has decided that the mustachioed man is more innocent than a newborn baby. The DEA’s drug trafficking accusations? Pure American fiction! The accusations of crimes against humanity at The Hague? Inventions of the traitorous opposition! The rampant corruption that has the country in ruins? No sir, that doesn’t exist!
The ruling, a 500-page monstrosity written in “Chavista legalese,” basically says that Maduro is a martyr, a saintly man who only wanted to defend his people from the clutches of the “empire,” and that all the evidence against him is a Hollywood fabrication. Give me a break!
The question everyone in the neighborhood is asking is: How much did that piece of paper cost? How many suitcases full of dollars, how many oil concessions, how many promises of impunity were distributed among the magistrates for them to sign off on such an outrage?
THE CELEBRATION OF CYNICISM: MADURO LAUGHS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION
And of course, the reaction of the aforementioned individual was swift. As soon as the ruling was announced, Maduro appeared on national television. He didn’t look worried or humble. Not at all! He came out wearing his tricolor jacket, dancing salsa, with a grin from ear to ear that made him look like the Joker after robbing a bank.
“Justice has been served, my friends! The truth always prevails!” the dictator shouted to a square full of bussed-in supporters who applauded without really knowing why.
Maduro, with the court ruling under his arm as if it were his deed to the country, mocked everyone. He mocked the United States and its $15 million reward (“They can shove it where the sun don’t shine!” he said, laughing). He mocked the opposition, which was left stunned, not knowing what to do in the face of this low blow. And above all, he mocked the suffering of millions of Venezuelans who have had to flee their country because of his misrule.
“Now, we can govern without obstacles! The revolution is indestructible!” he declared, while his sycophants applauded.
THE WORLD IN SHOCK: WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
The international community is in disbelief. The phones in Washington, Brussels, and Latin American capitals haven’t stopped ringing. What does this mean? Is this the end of international pressure? Has Maduro gotten away with it for good?
International politics experts (those who get paid in dollars to state the obvious) are divided. Some say it’s a Pyrrhic victory, a worthless piece of paper that only serves a purpose within Venezuela but doesn’t remove the international arrest warrants. “If he sets foot outside Venezuela, he’s done for,” they assert.
Others, more pessimistic, believe this is the beginning of the end. That this “judicial cleansing” is the first step for Maduro to begin negotiating his continued hold on power with a veneer of pseudo-legal legitimacy, however false. That it’s a sign that the regime is stronger and more entrenched than ever, willing to use all the tools of the state, even twisting the law until it breaks, to remain in power.
CONCLUSION: JUSTICE IS A CORRUPT AND COMPROMISED RAT
This viral “clickbait” that gave us such a scare yesterday, my friends, is living proof that in politics, and especially in dictatorships, there are no limits. The cynicism knows no bounds.
The “See more” button spat a painful truth in our faces: Justice in Venezuela is dead, buried, and with a tombstone that reads “Property of Nicolás Maduro.”
Today, the dictator sleeps more soundly, with a piece of paper that says he’s innocent. But history, that’s something that can’t be bought with petrodollars. History will judge him, and that judgment, my friend, no bought-and-paid-for Supreme Court can overturn.
Meanwhile, we’re left with our anger stuck in our throats, watching as the bad guys get away with it once again. What a disgrace! We’ll keep reporting on this circus, if we don’t have a heart attack first!
