🛑 BREAKING: NFL general manager Roger Goodell has imposed the highest fine in NFL history on referee Clay Martin for major mistakes during the game between the Kansas City Chiefs and Buffalo Bills..

🛑 BREAKING: NFL General Manager Roger Goodell Imposes Highest Fine in NFL History on Referee Clay Martin… Because Apparently, Someone Has to Take the Blame for the Bills Losing.

In a move that’s shocking only in its utter predictability, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has reportedly slapped referee Clay Martin with the largest fine in the history of organized football. The reason? Well, let’s just say the Kansas City Chiefs narrowly escaped with a win against the Buffalo Bills, and someone needed to be held accountable. And since we can’t fine Patrick Mahomes for being, you know, good at football, Martin’s apparently drawn the short straw.

Sources (aka, every single Bills fan with a Twitter account) suggest that Martin’s egregious offenses include, but are not limited to:

• Allowing the game clock to run: A clear violation of the sacred “stop the clock for maximum drama” rule.
• Calling penalties on the Bills: A blatant display of anti-Buffalo bias, clearly.
• Not calling penalties on the Chiefs: See above, but reversed. Also, probably part of a vast conspiracy orchestrated by Andy Reid and a shadowy cabal of BBQ enthusiasts.
• Generally existing while the Bills were losing: A crime punishable by… well, a really big fine, apparently.

Goodell, in a press conference held exclusively for reporters wearing “Fire Clay Martin” t-shirts, stated, “The integrity of the game is paramount. And by ‘integrity,’ we mean ‘the Bills need to win more often.’ Therefore, Mr. Martin’s… questionable… officiating has been deemed unacceptable.”

The fine, rumored to be somewhere in the ballpark of Clay Martin’s annual salary plus a lifetime supply of penalty flags (which he will now be required to eat), has been met with mixed reactions. Chiefs fans are reportedly celebrating by barbecuing steaks on top of their “Clay Martin is my Hero” commemorative plates. Bills fans, meanwhile, are drafting a petition to have Martin banished to the XFL.

Martin, reached for comment via carrier pigeon (the NFL’s preferred method of communication, apparently), simply tweeted, “¯_(ツ)_/¯.” He then reportedly went back to his side gig as a professional dart player, where his calls are, shall we say, slightly less controversial.

The NFL has released a statement clarifying that this fine is in no way related to the Bills losing, but rather a “completely coincidental” punishment for “reasons.” We’re sure they’ll get around to explaining those “reasons” sometime between now and the next Super Bowl. Which, coincidentally, the Chiefs will probably be in. Unless, of course, Clay Martin is officiating.